free stuff

hey, man. a faceless automaton listed this chair for free on craigslist yesterday.

ah yes, an english slingback armchair with french inspired NOT! wtf am I talking about? this is a straight up thrift store find. antique schmantique. I do know that with a little tlc and a pocketful of dough, I could have fixed this cutie pie to her original glamour, but guess what, horror of horrors, a bum thief fucktard -- yes, i am talking to you, yard sale pouncing granny -- stole it from me before i could pick it up.

le sigh.

So I lost something that I never paid for nor owned. Wah! Change my diaper. Here's a better free stuff story:

Slightly over five months ago, I logged into my regular friendly freebies site and found a free subscription to Cosmo magazine. Remember finding your mom's Cosmo's when you were 11? Pre-jizz stained, non-crinkly, fragrant Cosmo pages. So there I was, 11 years old, and still regularly wore my Save The Otters tee shirt. Back when I figured "rock star" was an actual paying job. I had pretty good self-esteem and an incredibly mature sense of the insane proportion of magazine models. Still, what?! Was I completely hormone-free? I was obsessed with Cosmo.

The article I remember in particular was about stripping for your boyfriend - WITH PICTURES. OMG! As they wrote, obviously you could only strip for your bf after he took you out to a really fancy din din, like, duh, what are you? a cheap date or somethin'? You gotta milk it, gurl! So the pictures show a lady in a red slip dress with red thong, red garter belt (BARF! seriously, I just ate my barf and BARFED again), with black tights, and an awful red bra. And obviously, the lady, never shows her nips or labia and somehow the guy looks like he's busted his nuts at least ten times throughout (and obviously, they never show his boner or even a dockers boner outline.)

So, 2 problems here (besides the matching garter belt):

1. Because of this article and many more like it, I was under the impression that lingerie is sexier than my body parts, up until my 22 birthday or thereabouts. And I have a pretty good feeling that 85% of single women living the OMG sex and the city lifestyle in nyc are still under this impression. Note to Cosmo and pretty single ladies: foreplay is about soap and a washcloth, lingerie is mostly for ladies whose boobs fall off the bed when they're laying on their backs.
   
2. Somewhere in the margins of the article was a little box titled, "How to Tell You're Pleasing Your Man." with a handy O-face chart. Let me correct this little aberration: check his boner. If it's hard, you're doing ok. That's pretty much it.
   

Fast forward 13 years later and Cosmo is still shelling out their hilarious advice, and I'm still fascinated by it. Only, I don't have to hide it inbetween two bath towels to read it in the bathroom.