past that time

great. now i can't fall asleep. remember how you always get sleepy around the same time but then if you stay up a couple hours past that time you kinda stop feeling sleepy and just feel like it's a new day. it doesn't last for long and then you have to faint from exhaustion but that few hours in the early morning feel so refreshing. i'll take some pictures. oh god what's on the television screen? a dollar sign just had three baby dollar signs and moved into a house. ok. whatever.






so i had the tube turned onto whatever infomercial was on channel 44. i think it was for time shares. anyway, every 30 seconds the screen flashes bright red with ATTENTION HOME BUYERS! in blinding white letters. then if your seizure hasn't kicked in yet several neon green dollar signs appear. is this what sensory overload at birth feels like? flipping it over to channel 72.

another paid program. this one is called miracle manna. it's a piece of bread that makes your dreams come true! the word 'ezekiel' keeps floating around the screen. now there's a bible with flames behind it. k. now a lady is talking about how she was in a dwi accident and her face fell off but then miracle manna saved her life and aaaahahaha a guy in the background is totally trying to hold in a laugh. they must have not paid him enough. awwww. now i feel bad, an older lady is crying about being saved by the miracle manna. she fell over from sobbing. sheesh, she almost convinced me to buy manna bread. wait, a lady just walked out of her chair and started tap dancing in the church. aaaaahahahahah. ok i'm back to laughing again.

i'm going to try to fall asleep now but hopefully i'll find the miracle manna infomercial again so i can live blog it. umm. why is the host holding a wooden hand? damn it miracle manna, stop making me laugh.

tiny cubes

halloween! yay. hopefully all this sharing won't give me nightmares, but i'd like to share another nightmare scene that haunts me every now and then.

it's simple. i have to use an axe, sometimes a large butcher's knife to cut the dead body laying before me. not hacks or stabs. i cut the body into organized cubes of flesh and meat. the cubes fall down around the table. usually figures are watching me from the corners of my vision. for some reason the bones aren't difficult to cut through but it takes a long time to slice the whole body.

and then somebody tells me that the body was still alive when i began.

when i wake up from it, i'm disturbed by the tiny cubes. why cubes of human? i should be more disturbed that i'm so methodical about the whole procedure but it's usually the cubes that put me off.

break my neck

i have another recurring nightmare sequence i'd like to share. i have it more often than the heavy cadaver one but it usually occurs during unusual sleeping times such as afternoon naps and morning sleep ins.

somebody is hunting me. sometimes i think it's a witch. not a typical witch. she looks to be my age but talks too much. she explains to me strange definitions of religious words. she tells me covenant means marc's shoes. eternal hell is the used hair brush on the sink. and my gray shirt means sacrifice. and since i'm wearing the gray shirt, that means she's hunting me to sacrifice me.

i can't hide so i figure the only way out is to kill myself. i look for a sharp knife and find it in the kitchen. wait. no. i can't kill myself like this. i decide to break my neck so it only looks like i've died and then the witch will leave me alone. i search for a place to lie until the witch finds me. every time i close my eyes i see the ways she will kill me. she peels my skin. suffocates me with her arm. sticks my head over a fire. she finds me and lies down next to my body. she tells me that i have to be tortured in order to wake up.

and she always says that last part! i swear to god. and every single time it makes no sense to me because i don't know i'm dreaming! but my mind does i guess so it throws a meta dream reference at me to make it even sicker. i always call my mom or marc after this one just because it's hard to leave this exhausting dream in my subconscious.

heavy cadaver

i thought i would share with you a recurring nightmare sequence i have. it's one of my mildly saner ones.

it usually begins with me floating up an exterior staircase at a silent dirty apartment building. it's pitch black but there are dim light bulbs highlighting each green doorway. no one is outside with me but i see the windows' curtains move back quickly a couple times. and i keep walking up toward the door that is slightly ajar. it's so far away but i walk closer. the light bulbs are dimmer up high. i see the door knob. it's dark inside the apartment. i'm almost there and my body lurches forward to go inside. but then in an eye blink i'm laying on the concrete ground.

i haven't fallen. i'm just there. and it takes me a while to look next to me. i have a blue-skin cadaver weighing down my legs. it's nude and faced downward. male body. cold. his skin is cold. smooth. unmoving. please don't move. please don't move. his foot stretches.

the last time i had this dream, marc told me he had to wake me because i was mumbling 'no. no. no' over and over. i'm looking forward for my next terrible experience with this one.

fuckity fuck fuck

darn it!!! i haven't made any significant advances on my halloween costume. i bought a bag of rubber snakes about three weeks ago but my closet has probably lost it already. gah! i'm doomed. ok. G, shape up. i'm going to find my comfortable jeans and take a few hundred tylenol/ibuprofen for my cramps and go shopping.

SHOPPING LIST
headband
more snakes
braided leather straps
fake blood
black and green costume make up
toga

strange and unusual

lydia deetz. remember? from beetlejuice.
i looked through my last post and noticed a slight resemblance.
i've somehow stolen her hairstyle.
the bags under my eyes are all mine though.

pumpking carving in the country

i promised my parents i would come out to moriarty to carve pumpkins and watch scary movies with them. so we woke up in our weakened state from drinking too many pints of beer at oneils the night before and hauled it up the mountain.
i chose the headless horseman design. marc freehanded a frightening face. my mom cut out a cat face and called it mr. meowers. jack made a goofy jack o lantern.
i picked the worst design. it took me three times as long as anyone else and i developed a callus on my thumb from poking three hundred holes into the thick pumpkin skin.
my dad dried a couple sunflowers so we could eat their seeds. the dried plant stalk ripped at our fingertips. i cornered all of the sunflower worms and put them outside.
zombie eyes.
my dad made seafood gumbo. cabbage. okra. celery. shrimp. carrots. corn. onions. etc.
my parents gave me five kisses and a bowl of gumbo. we tried to watch jeepers creepers but my dad kept talking through the scary scenes. i looked through their photo albums. and found excellent photos of my schoolmates in their halloween costumes when i went to chancellor street school in pennsylvania around 1990. i'll post them later.