my accidental night out

kai and carolyn's joint birthday party was friday night and i kinda just wanted to go to sleep early. marc's free hbo or whatever it is has been airing that show about john adams with paul giamatti in the LEAD ROLE?! at first i watched it to torment myself cause come on, giamatti as j. adams??? giamatti the frazzy villain from that terrible frankie muniz movie??? it drove me crazy. as an aside, the more i watch him, the more i fall in love with him in all his bug eyed glory. plus there must be ten scenes where he barfs and his wig curls fall off and it just makes me fall in love with historical dramas that don't skip the everyday occurrences. ANYWAY. i decided i would just hang out with simon and the gang for 30 minutes then go home instead of the house party at amelia's.

changed my mind as soon as i saw ash. we girls can get craaaaaaazy. we bummed it at simon's house for a minute then set up booby traps around simon's house for him to trip on. note to self: remember to include real boobies in simey's next booby trap.
simey had already spilled something on his pants all of 3 minutes after we got there.
kai's mama whom i aspire to be like right now was there being sexy and cute simultaneously. i can't properly convey her and it makes me sad. anyone who says goodbye to us by referencing her puerto rican pussy is alright. le sigh.
so the problem with parties at amelia's house is how unforgivingly pretentious they get with tomatilla salsa and $10 whole foods tortilla chips. standing next to some guy who journeyed to colombia for the spiritual presence of it all and discussions about obvious philosophers. like barf. it makes me dizzy. so i turned the lights off and ash put on some block rockin beats and bam!!!! just like that the party became dirty dance party. not kidding, all the wine and vodka drinks became coors lite and jungle juice like magic.
god i love beards.k. so red boot girl was getting down. i mean DOWN. no, i mean DOWN. the guys were calling her girls gone wild girl but ash and i called her brooklyn lady. dirty dancing with an almost empty rum bottle? it became that kind of party.
none of the pics i got of her dancing do her justice. like i had no idea you could spread your legs that wide while dancing. so awesome we practiced in the bathroom but i think i'd have to unhinge my hip joints, neck bones, grow leg muscles, pack more fat on my ass, drink a gallon of rum, watch a few double jointed porn movies to properly grind like her.

if only we got her number.
or maybe we did. i've certainly found stranger things in my bag the morning after.
oh yea. so tim left in a huff puff and texted marc that he was outside puking on the streets when actually he was at home watching pbs at midnight. that didn't stop marc from frantically crawling through the neighbors' bushes looking for him.
so i ran into a couple of hilarious guys, chris and josh. chris had crashed the party, was wearing a wedding band, slightly older than 45 and wearing hollister trash possibly with a popped collar. marc later told me that when i was walking away he said i was hot. and no, i'm not letting the fact that he was by far the grossest creep there kill my buzz. the other guy, josh, stopped me to tell me he has seen me around town but didn't talk to me last time cause he was on mushrooms. aaahahahah! i felt kinda like the cool kid for 3 seconds.
somehow i got a hold of a bag of pistachios and just sat there like a grampa enjoying his werther's originals after 4pm dinner. and i totally accidentally made drunk girl eye contact with the tallest dude there so he sat next to me and we shared my pistachios together. actually for all i know, we could have been swallowing drain clog, we were all kind of out of it by then. anyway he asked why ash and i weren't dancing the samba. and tried to get us to dance with him and his friend alfonso. sometimes i forget how powerful drunk girl eye stares can be. what can i say? we were hot little tea kettles that night.
so i didn't really want to house party on friday but am pretty happy i did. mrs. kai's mom kept telling us she was so happy ash was flying her freak flag around. everyone's ipod was pretty shitty like someone just downloaded the songs from apple computer and gatorade commercials. i was pretty elated that tall blond guy hit on me and someone recognized me even when he was on mushrooms. we stole everyone's beers and stepped on everyone's toes. turned the lights off when we shouldn't and generally made it an actual house party.

we turned it upside down and then fell asleep on the couch.