travel day eight

sunday november 23. day eight.

pretty fucked up day. i woke up feeling guilty about holding contemptuous feelings against m's parents. and when marc's sis asked me how i was doing i just started crying. standing in the middle of the hallway during breakfast crying. this isn't me! i don't cry! she talked with me back in the room m and i are staying in. who am i? i don't cry! this isn't me! i don't cry about these types of things. she listened to me. she understood. and i thanked her for listening.

what the fuck happened to me? what happened to my california sun thoughts? my reform? my new soul?

this is where i traveled to? this is not me. this place. this cold damp gray weather. i keep holding my tongue. pussy footing topics. i'm losing myself here.

i holed myself up in the guest room until we went over to m's sister's house to play with the kids. we colored and talked about snowball fights while marc and sis went out to get pizza and beer. i was beginning to untighten. i'm not scared of acting like myself here. but marc's acting differently around me. whereas he used to defend me, he's now defending his parents. what happens when i act like myself here? i'll feel more alone.