the greatest night of my life. OH, TWILIGHT!

If you were in Albuquerque last night,
if you were in the Movies 8 theater last night,
if you were at the 9:50 showing of teen vampire thriller, Twilight,
if you were alone and sitting between several families of giggling lobotomized 14 year olds,
then, and only then, would you be me.

Mi "amigo," Simon, tricked me into showing up alone to the late night showing of Twilight, although, 'alone' must be taken in context. I was alone in the sense that the immediate seats next to me were empty. I had only myself and my keychain to whisper retarded, snarky comments to, yet I wasn't technically alone.

Quick, do you have access to a 14 year old hormonally-insane teenage girl? No? Ok, alright. Well, if you did, you'd have semi-permanent hearing damage such as I do.
Listening to a high pitched giggle for 5 minutes will cause you to lose your mind. Listening to multiple high pitched giggles for 100 minutes will make you seek out scabies infested needles. A bored, uncaring usher had to come in and HUSH the giggling SEVERAL times. Here is the desktop background I created right after getting home from the theater:

hehehe! h-eee-double hockey sticks! hehehe!

Unbelievably, my hearing damage is only the least of my problems with Twilight. Sure, I can deal with teenage girls' inability to act like decent human beings during a silly love story. WhatEVER, as the young folk would say. What I don't understand is the lack of mob assault on the movie screen during scenes like this:
Twilight was 60% comprised of piggy-back tree climbing. At the end of the climb, both of the lead actors would sit on a tree branch and look down at the Pacific Northwest. This happened multiple times. WITHOUT ANY PLOT DEVELOPMENT!
Secondly, one of their characters looked like Justin Guarini:
Thirdly, the main character, Bella, was a glaringly impossible example of a 17 year old girl. She was brooding, popular, uninterested in high school affairs and remarkably beautiful. THIS NEVER HAPPENS.
Let me explain this to you, author of Twilight, high school kids, no matter how hard you wish, will never be uninterested in popularity and popular. Students may look brooding, but only because they want to join a goth or art clique.

As incredulous as piggy-back tree flying is, it's still more identifiable than a beautiful girl in ugly costume. She's All That much?
There was an uncomfortable and subtle white vs. non-white element within the movie, which they sort of cloaked by making the whitest characters "monsters" even though, duh, you're supposed to relegate them as the heroes. This isn't really a problem with the movie, since it's a theme taken directly from the book, supposedly. I looked up the author, Stephenie Meyer, and found this weird quote on her wikipedia page:

After Bella is changed into a vampire by Edward Cullen in Breaking Dawn, she becomes very beautiful, her already pale skin becoming even whiter.

Ok. Poor choice of words, I guess? yuchh, did we learn nothing from Richard Wright?
Next, Bella doesn't want to go to prom because ... wait for it ...
she can't slow dance? barf.
I'm not complaining here, he just looks incredibly good looking in sunglasses.
These guys are Bella's friends from the Quileute tribe. They turn out to be werewolves, whoops, SPOILER!
According to Twilight, vampires love playing baseball, but only during rainstorms because they hit the ball so hard it sounds like thunder. Also, the major plot twist occurs during another tree flying scene in the baseball game.
Also, the lead characters fall in love Romeo and Juliet style, but then never have sex. Is this a bible commercial?
And, this is silly but I was sort of expecting to hear The Allman Brothers Band or lesser known Lynard Skynard songs during the movie. Or at least, I had one particular Allman Brothers song running through my head throughout the movie and it fit the messy, dark, ephemeral mood but also was so offbeat from the actual time and place of the film, it would have been beautiful and strange. Instead they glistened the film with Linkin Park. barf again.
I forgot what I wanted to write about this picture so just look at it and get angry.
Look, I'm sort of apathetic to this movie. It's bad in that unintentionally hilarious way, which is a major plus. So, I'm not criticizing this movie, I'm just saying that there was a scene where two vampire troupes met each other, disagreed about vampire baseball and then took weird jazz hand stances against each other.

What I am criticizing is the fact that I got bailed at the dollar theater. I went expecting to drink a flask of whiskey with si and alex and wound up alone with ear hemorrhoids from the giggling lunatics. CONGRATS GUYS, YOU'RE ON MY SHIT LIST. eh, don't give a fuck though, I'll forget about it by next dollar movie, unless I get ditched again.
oh yeah. and then he taught her to slow-dance. Here, let me write the instructions for slow dancing: put your crotch on his boner and shuffle. the end.