i'm listening to sexy sadie

Let's talk about safe sex practices before I discuss all the new, fun stuff.

#1 DON'T TRUST ANYONE!
Because you don't want stds or pregnancy or whatnot. Always use a condom!!! This is muy importante!!!

#2 ASK YOURSELF:
Am I unhappy with myself?
Am I trying to substitute sex with love or happiness?
If the answer is yes or maybe or possibly, then uhm ... i don't know, we're all unhappy ... uhm ... maybe talk to a friend or parent or therapist ... we're all fucked, but just make sure you don't depend on anyone else to be happy, ri? who knows?

#3 ALCOHOL AND DRUGS DON'T MIX WITH SAFE SEX!
well, duh. obviously, alkie and etc. help with getting comfortable with a new person's genitals, but it's difficult to distinguish between good judgement and fun times when UNDER THE INFLUENCE. blah, we've all been there anyhow, it's 2009. let's just all think back when BIG with tom hanks came out and how he acted about having sex with a grown lady on the bunk bed. THAT'S HOW WE SHOULD ACT WHEN FACED WITH A NEW PEEN OR VAG, i.e. awkward and nervous.

#4 IF ALL ELSE FAILS, THEN LOCK YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM :(
This sucks, but it's like the Ctrl + Alt + Delete of life. At best, you can call a good friend to pick you up and knock on his front door 'til he opens up. Worst case scenario, bathrooms always have windows (i've almost convinced my BFF of helping me climb out of one before) in case you're too afraid of facing him again.

OK. That's all I can think of at le moment. Please feel free to correct my list.

UPDATE: #5 GIRLZ RULE, BOYZ DROOL
Gross-o! I was just lying there in my tiny bed, trying to imagine dreams, etc. when I realized how one-sided I made my safe sex list. This is all girl advice. Here's my guy advice: if you have a dick then be super happy there is a cute girl in your hands. Don't fuck it up. Don't push it. Don't over-kiss. Listen. No means no. Maybe means no. Silence means no. Ok sometimes means no. If her lips aren't on your body then it probably means no. Even then, no. Hmm, sucks to be a guy. And remember! as soon as you fuck up, you'll get pepper spray in your pee hole.