oh, ok.

the other night marc and i were driving down central. the radio was low. we were silent. i mumbled that i miss having my girlfriends in town. more to myself than to marc. more silence. the cheap motel lights reflected and passed along the windshield and suddenly he says,

"the longer our friends are living outside of albuquerque, the less they'll come to visit. each trip will be shorter and shorter. and soon they won't visit for us at all."

oh.

he talked about all of his friends who have made a life for themselves outside of albuquerque and rarely, if ever, come back. he talks of them as his 'old friends'. stories from years ago. almost like a completely different lifetime. everything is in past tense.

they're making new lives for themselves. i kept getting stuck on 'new lives'. new friends. new routines. and i feel stationary. not weighed down. not slow. just a completely dull airy shell of myself. i should be more than what i am now. i feel left behind.

it made me sick to think about it. i couldn't explore it right then in the car, but i've been thinking of it ever since.